Sample parenting questions and responses

Describe your child.

I year old daughter

Describe the situation, where you need advice.

I am a single mother and want to give her the skills to become a loving and confident adult

How much time during a day do you communicate with your child?

I work full-time so definitely NOT ENOUGH!

How good is your child?

6

How honest is your child?

n/a

How kind are you to your child?

7

How fair are you to your child?

7

Here is an analysis from that limited data you provided answering our little questionnaire.

One year old girl. She needs loving and trusting (fair) environment. If you work and someone provides that environment you shouldn't worry that you have little time with her. As long as you appear, time to time, and infect her with your happy emotions and great faith that she is a very good and smart girl. This is enough in your situation.

Two needs children have: need for security and need for development. You make sure these two needs are satisfied. If your child doesn't behave right, in your opinion, it means the child's needs were not met properly, or one of the child's needs not satisfied. However, security and development don't only apply to physical security and development. Heart and intelligence - these two are important as well: security of heart: feeling of being loved, development of heart: ability to love other people; security of intelligence - feeling of being trusted, and development of intelligence - ability to trust others. This stuff may seem complicated, but this is how it is: complex stuff cannot be explained in one sentence. However, this is basics which will influence all the rest of the child's life. You may find different parenting books and advices, but most of them will give examples of the same things, without mentioning it. But in order to be smart mother you need to know how to explain them. Then you can make right decisions and not be dependent on other people's advices.

The fact of single motherhood doesn't matter too much for raising a good adult. Time too is not very important. Your faith and love - this what matters. However, we all need to learn about love and faith in our children.

From your answer, I see that you don't think you child is good for 100%, why? As for honesty, you need proof of her honesty. This tells me that you don't believe that your child is already a decent human being. Here is your faith in your child. Face it. She senses that and that this is not fair for her. She also senses that she is not good enough for her mother. Later this will show up in a behavior and you will prove yourself your own belief. Better to believe in your child first and than see the result later!

Good luck!

Describe your child.

Age 14, my daughter, she's smart, funny, beautiful, an only child- she slightly overweight, outspoken and shy at the same time hot tempered, basically thoughtful and kind-she lies a lot and always in trouble for something or other, messy in her personal habits

Describe the situation, where you need advice.

She does poor in school, is smart mouthed with her parents but not others, she busted my lip with a cell phone yesterday because she was mad , she won't clean up after herself or do her homework.

How much time during a day do you communicate with your child?

8 hours

How good is your child?

5

How honest is your child?

1

How kind are you to your child?

9

How fair are you to your child?

7

Here is an analysis from the limited information you gave us.

Your point is clear: you want your daughter be nice girl, successful in study and confident with herself, so that she would let you live your peaceful life. But she doesn't. Why? Does she want make your life complicated? I don't think so.

If we were able to listen to your daughter side, we might end up with a different story. She feels not secured and therefore doesn't have a good mood for developing her talents in full. The insecurity doesn't mean physical or financial. It means, she doesn't feel loved enough because she knows she is not good enough for her parents. Also she knows that parents don't trust her because she believes her parents believe that she is a liar, though it seems that nobody is really interested in the reason why she has to lie. The reason is that she is not secured! Nobody believes her!

"We don't believe in children not because they are bad, but they become bad because we don't believe in them." S.Soloveychik

If you feel same way you would be desperate too. Especially if someone around constantly remind you about your failures.

At teen age, children are tormented by their helplessness, their imperfections. In fact their souls strive to pursue high ideals, but they would only trust people who don't judge them, don't nag them constantly but accept them, those who love them.  Unfortunately, if they don't have such people around, they have to merely survive, trying to defend their fragile dignities from tactless attacks from adults. Therefore they enter the power struggle with adults. But there is no winner in power struggles between parents and their children, both lose.

The situation you described is the result of so called evil tunnel: someone began encroach another person's dignity; the other person responded the same way: usually saying something nasty back. The first side, being indignant, continued attack and the war continued until it reaches the final point: in your case it is broken lip. What to do? Who must stop the evil tunnel? - The person who is mature enough to stop it. The person who loves more.

Advice: 1. Forgive your daughter, for the sake of her goodness, for the gift you were once blessed 14 years ago. Imagine, inside of her soul she suffers too. She's mistaken, but you've mistaken too. Find where exactly. Accept it and then it will be easier to forgive your daughter.

2. Think of how you can help her with her "silly" problems (poor study, overweight etc). For her those problems she struggles (not confidence with other people) are not silly, they are terrible, they are serious. Ask her about them, when she feels like talking.

3. Leave her alone (for a while). You will be surprised that your child can cope with her life, if she were given a respect.

4. Don't focus on chores. Life isn't all about it. Chores, clean ups and other good habits, if not acquired in earlier ages, will not be possible to be taught at teen age. One of the laws of parenting says that chores are the worst and thankless thing in our relationship with teenagers, who didn't learn that at their early ages. If you still try you risk to ruin your relationship with your child. But you would like to have a good relationship with your grown up daughter in a few years from now, wouldn't you?

Describe your child.

6 yrs.old. daughter, she was a good girl, polite. matured and sweet

Describe the situation, where you need advice.

sometimes, she doesn't follow my rules, she always sleep late

How much time during a day do you communicate with your child?

alsmost everyday

How good is your child?

8

How honest is your child?

8

How kind are you to your child?

i am not so kind, because i want her to be independent, but i see to it that i can give her a talk

How fair are you to your child?

very fair i guess

Here is our analysis from that little data we have:

6 years old. She was a good girl, polite, mature and sweet (hint: now she is a bad girl, impolite, immature and nasty.) And, sometimes she doesn't follow your rules (Do you think she always should follow your rules? Would you always follow someone's rules yourself?). She always sleep late. Always - is a dangerous word. If you say so to children, they accept it as their own label - "So, there is nothing to do, I am such a sleeper, a bad girl."

Let's begin with the basics: children have two basic needs: for security and development. This applies both to physical and emotional sides. If a child behaves wrong it means that her needs are not met, nothing else. Emotional security - heart and intelligence security - is a feeling to be loved and trusted. Emotional development -  heart and intelligence development - is an ability to love and trust. From the described situation your daughter doesn't feel loved and trusted (anymore), because she feels your mother's attitude: that you think of her as a bad girl since some time. You judge your daughter and make conclusion about her after she shows you her behavior. But this is a most common mistake: parents think that they are to judge, to control, to manage, to command, to teach and to rule their children. Perhaps you yourself would not like if your own parents have this attitude to you in your childhood. So you can imagine that children resist this attitude too. Why? Because this attitude encroaches children's dignity. Any encroachment is evil, desire to suppress someone's character is evil. On the contrary- desire to enlighten someone's dignity, esteem, increases value, increasing dignity - is goodness. So, the solution is - change your faith in your child first: she was and she IS a good girl NOW and she will be a good girl always for you, because she is.

Experts of good human relationship says: treat your children, your spouse, your siblings as they are the most important people in the world, because "they are." (Bryan Tracy)  This is truth and you will be surprised when you change your own attitude to your daughter.

"We don't believe in children not because they are bad, but they become bad because we don't believe in them." S.Soloveychik

The sleep problem may sign a good healthy stage of physical growth, when her body needs to sleep a lot. Or, it could sign a depression, which followed your changed attitude and her sense of not being loved and trusted any more.

You have a lot of time to communicate with your daughter: ask her about her feelings, about her life, interests, "secrets," or tell her about your "secrets," make your heart hearing her heart. On the other hand, leave her alone for a while. It is not necessary to nag over a child all the day. She deserves some privacy and rest too.

If we parents want our children to be independent this doesn't give us a right to be rude with children. Independence doesn't come this way. It is a law. The goal (independence) will be impossible to reach, if we try to reach it at children's expense (by forcing them, by being not kind with them, by letting them cry, by letting them feel bad about them). So, the only way is left: moral means to reach our goal: what kind of means are available: attracting, involving, playing, talking when they are feeling like talking, listening to them! You will be surprised when you begin listen to your little girl. This all and much more requires a lot of soul work, but this all then will be very rewarding because this all is called love.

My daughter is 3 years old, extremely smart, and very obsessed with cleanliness, she is very shy, but loves outdoors, enjoys reading stories, and has a very big imagination and create her own stories.

She cries a lot, since she was born we had such a difficult time with her, and now she is 3 and still. She wakes up crying all the time, anything happens she would cry...she is very polite and obedient but this crying is very annoying, and people are getting annoyed from her as well.

I want her to start dealing with things without the tears and be better around others

about 2-3 hrs a day

8

10

7

9

uae

internet

Your daughter is a very interesting girl. You did a good job raising her with a great imagination and creativity. It is a greatest advantage, which you can also use for solving her crying problem.

Of course the data you provided is not enough and we have some questions to clarify your situation: what exactly happens before she cries?

We suggest, ask her about her feelings and most important, listen to her answer! Listen to her stories, which may tell you a lot. Perhaps she has internal difficulties, which make her afraid of something that you are not aware of.

Of course crying is annoying, but put yourself in her shoes - do you think she is willing to cry, do you think she cries because she wants to? No, at her age she can't pretend, or want to be unhappy. Naturally children strive for happiness. Most likely she is very sensitive to things, which you as her mother and other adults don't want to notice, or are not able to notice, because of lack of sensitivity.

Your girl needs you, your love and acceptance. However, recently you may show your frustration about her crying and she receives it as she isn't good enough for you, which makes her have a real reason to be unhappy.

Don't be embarrassed too much about what people think of you when your daughter cries. Think in advance how can you distract your daughter from feeling unhappy. Make her happy!

Be attentive in the morning - how she wakes up - what makes her unhappy? She is such a lovely girl! How can it ever be possible that she is afraid of something? Be as tender as possible, praise her for a being obedient and clean. This is a blessing! Many parents complain that their children didn't learn to be clean, but your daughter is an example of a girl, who will not give her mother a reason to be ashamed. So be proud! Obsessive behavior may be the result of her great imagination, that is a gift, which, if properly developed, may bring her a lot of happiness in the future, because imagination and inquisitiveness are gifts of soul. She is extremely smart. So she senses everything that you think about her. So she knows that you don't consider her 100% good girl. That is a parental mistake. You need to believe in your daughter, that she is 100% good (and a normal, stable, strong) girl, instead of judging from what you see. Remember:

We don't believe in children not because they are bad, but they become bad because we don't believe in them. S.Soloveychik

So, please give us more information if you think we are wrong in our analysis of the situation.

Patience is a virtue. Crying will stop when the your girl will get enough of what she needs. Find out what she needs! Be patient. She deserves your patience, she is such an adorable girl!